iLL CiTy

No Fuckery Allowed!

More random ish.

I took this from a note I posted on Face… I mean Niggabook, a while back. Enjoy.

25 Things That Black People Love

1. Black people love to not save the best for last.
“They only gave me hot sauce on half my fries. So I ate the good half first. Now I’m stuck with half a bag of dry ass fries and I have to eat them.”

2. Black people love to do stupid things just because they paid for it.
“This soup is nasty as hell, and I’m allergic to the shellfish in it…but this shit cost me 2.59 so…”

3. Black people love being loud in quiet places.
“Man, fuck a Library, Children’s Hospital, Movie theatre, etc.! Ain’t no sign gonna tell ME how to control my volume!”

4. Black people love claiming that since God gave them body parts, they can do obscene things with them.
“God gave me a hand to smack you with!”
“God gave me a mouth to scream in the grocery line!
“God gave me a foot to put on your side of the desk!”

5. Black people love asking ridiculous questions that make the rest of the Black who knew the answer look ridiculous.
On the airplane. “Um…are these peanuts free and tasty? Cuz if I buy them and they are nasty, I will have to eat them. And I ain’t having that shit.”

6. Black people love looking cool at their own expense.
“Hell no I’m not running for the bus. Fuck being on time for a job interview. What I look like getting on a bus after I just ran for it? I ain’t no goofy.”

7. Black people love disobeying authority.
“No. I will Not keep off the grass.”

8. And then blaming racism when they get caught.
“What do you MEAN I have to pay a fine. Fuck a endangered plant. Racist ass children’s hospital.”

9. Black people love blaming the problems of the environment on White people and then not contributing to the solution.
“Damn Whites, tearing a hole in the ozone layer and shit. It ain’t they shit. All I’M saying is if I’m paying taxes for this ozone shit and they tore a hole in MY piece…Aunty, are all the kids in the Hummer? I know we live in the Bronx so we’ll never have to go off road, but I just got my FEMA check. Why not stunt. Fuck a fuel emissions test. We got 2 miles to the gallon and gas just dropped 2 dollars. We ON.”

10. Black people love eating food incorrectly.
“Ey, last time I was here, I ordered a crepe and it was all thin and shit. Add some more dough to it this time fam.” “Sir, would you just like a pancake? They’re thick AND cheap.” “NO, nigga, did I ask for a pancake? Racist. Bring me a fat ass crepe! And some pigs in a blanket…forget the blankets tho cuz.”

11. Black people love comparing obscene childhood punishments.
“My mom beat me with an empty bottle of lotion.”
“Word, my mom made me drink a bottle of lotion. And then beat me with the empty bottle.”
“My mom shot me in my foot.”
“Daaaaaamn…that go hard.”

12. Black people love talking about the things they almost recieved.
“Man, you know that 10 speed I been tryna get for 17 years man? The black and gold one? With the pegs and spinners and tape deck?” “Yeah man! You got it?” “Nah man…almost tho…I only had 10 dollars and a bus card and I couldn’t talk that nigga down on the price.”

13. Black people love having “the hook up.”
“Yeah, these the new 17’s.” “Man, them don’t come out for three years! How you get them?” “Maaaaan, I got *leans in really close and mouths the words* “the hook up”.

14. Black people love to get behind the accomplishments of one of their own.
“BARACK BARACK BARACK BARACK BARACK!!!!! NOW WE WILL ALL BECOME PRESIDENTS ONE DAY!!!”

15. Black people love to talk about the good girl they got to go down.
“Man you know Suzy?” “Yeah, man, the honors bonner scholar poet laureate nobel peace prize chick who taught the whole hood how to give CPR?” “Yeah, yeah! Her…she gave me…doooooooooome.”

16. Black people love to get so fashionable that they stop shopping at the mall.
“Man, where you that from? Man Alive?” “The MALL? NIGGA THE MALL?? NAH!!!! A THOUSAND TIMES NO! Nigga I got it from a Boo-Teak”

17. Black people love breaking stereotypes when they are around White people. 
“Look, look! They have hot sauce!” “Boy you a fool. I ain’t using that mess HERE. It’s…*leans in and mouths the words* White people around. And damn it, let’s pull up our pants. We’ll pull them back to your knee-caps when we leave.”

18. Black people love to secretly love non-Black things.
“Hey man, why you got a Evanescence CD in a Ludacris CD jacket?” “Nigga, shut up…She go HARD. Act like she don’t go hard. Boooooy, she go the hardest.” “I know she do bruh *as he reaches into his pants and pulls out a CD of his own* but what you know about this Leona Lewis?

19. Black love not enjoying the Outdoor.
“What do you mean “camping”? Nah, I don’t get down with roughing it like that. I ain’t never sleeping in no tent, cooking over no open camp fire, or enjoying the beauty of a sunset at 5:30 in the morning.”

20. Black people love doing the unexpected.
“In recent news, a convicted African American felon with a record of 356 rapes, 43 robberies, 32 DUI’s, 325 homicides, and 4 murder suicides escaped from prison. He was captured thirteen minutes later after pulling a school bus full of nuns and infants, that he reportedly tried to drive over thecliff, back from the edge with his teeth because his “mama would beat that ass if she found out.”

21. Black people love not following through with things.
“Fam, I heard you almost swam across the English channel.” “Yeah man, but I got tired half way, so I swam back.” “…”

22. Black people love being difficult.
“Hmm…I’m really sure. Do I want the number 6? Or the 7. I mean…I did do sit ups this morning…maybe I’ll get the 3 and the 8…nah…I don’t like cheese…maybe I’ll get a 10 and a side salad with extra crutons…DON’T RUSH ME NIGGA, GOD GAVE ME A BRAIN SO I’MA TAKE MY SWEET ASS TIME DECIDING WHATEVER I WANT…made me forget was I was ordering…f*** it. I’m feeling like sushi today ANYWAY.

23. Black people love talking about what they would’ve done in horror movies.
“See? If that was me, I woulda cracked that nigga soon as he ran up. F*** a machete! I wish he woulda swung that mess at me. Boy, I woulda ducked it an upper cutted his ass between the eyes. And look at the stupid female. I wouldn’t have tripped. Boy I woulda hurtled my ass over ANY obstacle. And this nigga goin in the door? See, of COURSE if it was me, I wouldn’t be crossing no thresholds or have ever even listened for any screams. Matter fact, I wouldn’t have even WENT into that damn house. Stupid ass White people…always exploring an shit.

24. Black people love using intellegent words in their everyday slang.
“Kna mean, like I f*** around an don be on nuthin todaaaay, I f*** aroun an sleep, then I mess around an get up you feel me, an then Iont even kno bruh…maybe eat a myriad of cereal or somethin till my belly feelin real copasetic wit the rest of me, ya dig?”

25. Black people love saying ridiculous things about their own race and then getting pissed when other races say it.
“I know that I made a list of 24 Things Black People Love, but if you laugh at any of this and you aren’t black I’ll smack yo ass.

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